“I’m scared.”
That phrase has helped me in recent months and here I am afraid again.
I’ve already written about many of the things I’m afraid of and you can read all about that in an earlier post. To summarize, I’m mostly afraid of the unknown.
My brain is extra active in these situations and likes to run through and daydream about all the things that could go wrong. When I start to feel myself in one of these situations with intrusive thoughts I have started simply saying, “I’m scared.” Sometimes in the car after a near accident on my roadtrip (other drivers, exploding semi tires, deer in the road) I’d even sing it in a power ballad to myself because why not?
Labeling the feeling helps. Acknowledging that I am afraid and that my brain is trying to warn me of something can start the process of calming down. Especially when I’m alone I’ve found this helps me out. Writing this does as well…
I will even thank my brain for these thoughts that are outside my control. For my brain’s attempt to keep me safe. I want to live a safe life, but in order to live a fulfilled life there are things that are more dangerous than lying in bed all day and never taking any risks. I am scared quite frequently and in the past I would just spiral within my own thoughts without actually labeling what was going on.
I can’t help being scared of so many things in life but I can acknowledge what my brain and body is doing during those times, assess whether it is a warranted fear, or if the actual safest thing to do (outside of curling up into a ball in bed—which is what I’m doing right now) is to relax, make a decision, and calmly proceed.
So here I am, scared of the travel options I have ahead of me that I’ve decided to take in order to visit Everest Base Camp. Every option has its risks and it’s impossible to know in advance which option is safest at this particular moment.
These are the risks I have to face if I decide that I want to travel across the world and go on a trek to the tallest mountain in the world.
These are the risks I have to face if I want to do and see the things anywhere in the world.
These are the risks I have to face if I want to step outside my comfort zone and experience new things.
These are the risks I have to face if I want to leave the comfort of the fetal position in a comfy bed.
These are the risks I have to take to live the life I want to live.
These are the risks I have to take to be the man I want to be.
Update: Why the F did I write this?
I wrote this while I was lying in bed scared thinking about a helicopter ride from Kathmandu to Lukla in Nepal. I’ve never been on a helicopter and it’s a frightening proposition. I was planning on finishing the post when I hopefully safely arrived in Lukla after the short 45 minute to one hour flight and wrap it up in a nice bow.
As the universe sometimes does… I wasn’t able to get on that helicopter since flights were grounded from clouds/weather and the universe showed me what fear really is.
Don’t want to take a comfortable helicopter route to the start of your trek? OK how about a nice serving of 17 hour sketchy car ride, 3 hours of sleep, 5 hour offroad jeep on the worst “roads” of all time and when you think you’re in the clear one more sliding backwards jeep near a cliff and how about dessert… strolling past a box full of dynamite before the army blasts a rockslide on the side of a mountain?
None of these are things that I or the others in the group signed up for during this trek. Just getting to the start of the trek was more stressful than I imagined the entire experience to be. Halfway through the first day of driving I was begging for that helicopter trip I was worried about enough to start this post.
So it seems I need to be careful what I speak into the universe…
Oh, perfect weather from here on out would be so lame and uneventful…
Meeting great new friends on this trek would be a drag… then I’d have to visit them wherever they live
It’d be so inconvenient to meet my future wife while I’m un showered and smell like a foot hiking all day…
Nah that won’t happen…
If there’s a silver lining this “exposure therapy”now makes me feel silly that I was ever scared of roads in the US. It also put some real perspective behind minor travel inconveniences. If I am ever complaining about some slight delay or traffic someone just say “October 17th” and I’ll shut the F up. So, I suppose thanks for the test of my fears but I could have gone without the lesson just fine.
October 19
Kathmandu/Phakding Nepal